An Asian-American Family of One
There was a time when my parents would savor the news of my having gone on a date. I guess, the news was a pleasant reminder of the kind of values they hoped were instilled in me. Values? Ah…yes. A flutter of a hope, or perhaps, the not-too-distant possibility of their son starting a family of his own may be a reality, after all. This so-called picture of life (as they believed it always happened) was supposed to have been fulfilled by number one son. Much to their chagrin, number one son has remained a bachelor at 37. (Still) I will always remember the “When is she coming over for dinner? One day? Soon?” remarks that laced our informal manner of dining. Dad was more pragmatic about his reasons. “Sooner or later that drive to mate will take over.” he would say between mouthfuls of rice and stewed fish. Mom was a little more unsure about how to characterize my reasons for remaining single. “Don’t you want to raise a family?” she would ask.
Afterwards I would go home to a peaceful, empty apartment and ponder those questions privately. They do have a point. But of course they will always make a point. For as long as I can remember, parents were always the most adamant facilitators of familial life. They were meant to be a constant reminder of what we hope to have, when we finally, or slowly realize, we may not have it. I can only imagine what it would be like to raise a family. And sometimes I actually enjoy flashing Kodak images of me running after an imaginary daughter who developed an even more astute way of dealing with her dad. And sometimes, the imaginary photographs remain frozen in my family album of one.
I sleep well enough with the thought that I have all the proper ingredients to make one hell of a father. With that in mind there really is no need to prove to myself I could be a great father. I have a family already. And I carry those same basic and wholesome attitudes that could melt a woman’s heart at the first sign of spring. I care about those things. After all, I’m Asian. We all believe in the extended family. Asians just seem to add more of a mystical element to the subject of lineage. Ancestry. But then again, I’m just as American (for lack of a better antithesis to my being Asian) in my selfish agenda for success. As an American, my notion of life is really a more personal matter. The creation of an immediate family becomes more a component of life that could either prove to be mind-expanding, or, simply nerve-wracking. True, as a man, there are no “biological clocks” to tinker with, nor are there any dowries to build from my hand to mouth existence. There, that solves the problem. Wrong.
I look at my parents and wonder where I made that detour early on. It isn’t easy being an artist and still remain true to one’s concept of having a fruitful life, if not, a meaningful existence. I applaud those people who are content being content. I deplore those people who are content about their own fictions of family life. True, I’ve always been a cynic. But, then again, this society breeds either one of two evils — fallacy and fantasy. And in between, I’m stuck believing what I cannot always prove — my formula towards happiness. At times, I almost believe that I missed the signpost to enlightenment. Like a traveler hypnotized by the road ahead, I scout the billboards along the highway, hoping that the potential exit to this ennui is still ahead. Once in a while I feel compelled to play the courtship game with the most unlikely of candidates. It becomes a biased reassurance that I still haven’t met her, whomever she is. Practice makes perfect, and I have to continually hone those skills that make me a desirable catch. (By whose standards, I am never quite sure.) I can only implore the indulgence of some unsuspecting woman who doesn’t mind being entertained for a few hours over sushi or steak. I peer over my glass humming inside my head “Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me…” As always I pursue the conversation with as much whimsy as an otter in springtime. I manage to make a lot of them laugh with my inane humor and seemingly innocent sexuality. And as their tales of dating and relationships are spun with wry indifference, I wonder about my date’s statistical contribution to our ever growing reluctance in the age of AIDS.
It is quite unfair to think of them first as a potential contributor of a deadly societal malady. I am just as suspect, even though I care more about my half-hearted fantasy of being a father one day. I wonder whether I’m experiencing the “dark night” of the soul, or that what I’m really going through is nothing more than dark introspection. There was a time when judgment day was still a soul-searching affair brought upon by a congress of wrathful and benevolent deities in some mental never neverland. Nowadays, they tell you safe sex is an affair between two people reciting poetry behind closed doors. I’m sure the next woman I meet is just as desirable unto herself without having to downplay the potential stigma of being a plague-carrier. I did miss the boat to the sexual revolution of the 70’s. (Whew!) In some ways, I would never really have known what it was like since I was too preoccupied with my pubescent curiosity to “get laid.”
My father understood the mating drive, after all, he sired me. He never understood, though, the meaning of a career. From his point of view, parenthood is the only career. For a majority of people on this planet, it may be the only rewarding career. And while those of us that congregate at our weekly or monthly dates continue to challenge our careers by complaining about the lack of eligible partners, we still haven’t learned the art of finding alternate currencies. What is the difference between being great and being a great parent? None. It all depends on who is on the receiving end of that greatness. A child can become your worst critic without even acknowledging your drive towards greatness. While a patron who purchased your work will only improve your ability to name-drop, or provide some ascension towards becoming a name. Why not give a child a name? Whoa! Time-out. I have often succeeded in side-stepping a snare in the game of infatuation. Why? Because underneath it all. I’d like to believe I found another currency. And as I continue being career-minded and complacent, I realize that my desirability could be a little inflated in a depressed age of connubial conservatism.
I could continue being the odd man out in a gathering of couples. I enjoy looking at friends (both men and women) as their mental gears grind locating a distant girl friend for some future tete-a-tete. Nothing terribly risky I hope, but just the same, I feel my stock rise and fall with the predictability of a mood swing. I can sleep alone without having to worry about the dark exposing my yearnings. For the time being, lets say such yearnings are still originating from my loins and not from loneliness. It is much easier to relieve the former. I often toy with the idea of simply remaining single. I will visit my brother and play with my nephew, my interest piqued. After a few hours with the kid, my attention span becomes predictably unfocused. Then, I get a little disappointed with myself realizing that the novelty of my presence has worn thin. I refuse to be a bore even to my nephew. Sometimes, I just don’t have the emotional stamina to surprise even myself. Still, it doesn’t make me any less worthy of being a family man.
If I had never left Manila, I probably would be as homogenized as the average Filipino with a college education. I could be as complacent with a family as I am today with my career. However, I’m here now caught between the expansive horizon of liberalized thinking, and the centuries-old expectation of a culture built upon the family unit. (But what culture isn’t?) My own personal link to my parent’s culture is manifested in folk dancing, the language and the martial arts. Dad chuckles at my seeming likeness to a prancing chicken whenever I dance around the ancestral home. My nephew gleefully mimics my movements and steps because he, like me, enjoys having a good time (which he refers to as “big fun!”). And when I look at his delight in contorting his body with the grace of a hyperactive water buffalo, I think about teaching him the right way to do such movements. It’s as if I am responsible since he will become either the guardian of the family, or a misguided ape. I don’t have a direct descendant to inherit the knowledge and training I’ve amassed over the years. But I have a legacy to pass on.
It would have been easier if I had just as well assumed that the world is not a cruel place to live in. I started painting “again” not too long ago, but sadly, the ideas were meant more for a word processor and not the canvas. I paint not for painting’s sake (even though someone said it could help in times of drought), but because I’m afraid I have nothing to leave behind. I think about death because my father talks about it as if he were discussing yesterday’s lunch. I think about death because I had an artist friend who was killed while on his way towards greatness. I think about death and wonder if what I have accomplished so far is something I could be content with should it really happen. And when I realize that I do have a family who will inherit my life’s work, I don’t feel so alone and empty as people seem to think my life has been. True, I can never truly escape the prying questions about my love life, nor the unwarranted doubts about my sexual predisposition. A family of one, is by far one of the most intriguing and demanding positions to justify in a society of couples.
It may seem a little easier for males to adapt a non-committal role in discussing our reasons for being. Why? Because the politics of sexuality is a more difficult topic to tackle than unraveling the foibles of the human condition. (Of which I seem to have a list) We measure the milestones or chapters of our lives with an alarm masked with feigned self-assurance. At least, I try to be dignified in remembering the bad times. I think about the women in my life, and smile because they taught me how to communicate through the lexicon of trust and respect. And while both sexes understand each other through such words, I wonder at the tangential points that end with the phrase “It’s a male/female thing,” when we find each other in disagreement. Everybody hates to be “dissed.”
I am a man of the 90’s — an accolade I wear with great trepidation. Though I feel qualified to pin it on my persona like a hippie button, I don’t. It simply is hard to accept that it all boils down to an emotional algebraic equation of the chromosomal x and y. I understand my end of the bargain when it comes to dealing with womankind. (At least, while I still understand the contextuality of the 90’s title.) Having said that, I continue to pipe the dream that right whales are born to know. And I look to the stars, not because I’m searching for some esoteric configuration that will explain my plight. But because they sparkle with hope, however minutely, as I traverse a nighttime of endless sea. I continue like some endangered species singing his eternal love song to a nonexistent lifetime partner; hunting the other before we are both extinct.
I am grateful that I remembered the nights that made me feel this way. In some of them a woman was involved. In most, the absence of one was a revelation. That I could take things with the pride of an Asian. (Whatever the hell that means.) In the American vernacular, it means “sucking it up.” There is a literati-scholar inside eager to drive his four-wheeler on to a tightrope of cultural role-playing. While I fantasize about wielding my three-sectioned staff in a placid future retreat, I enjoy seeing the world with the brashness of an enlightened artist. While there is no prototypical Asian-American, I am forced to experiment with the wonderful things that either bent provides. In the eyes of someone truly aware, such a duality is the simplest and most precious gift given to us by our progenitors. The key is found in the way our parents deal with their environment. Everything else that we do afterwards is either a corollary action, or reaction.
I wonder at the possibilities of a moment. Life is the on-going tension between polarities. After all, what have I been talking about. Art/Science, Asian/American, Ideal/Material, Then/Now, Sacred/Profane, Karma/Predestination, Man/Woman, Hot/Cold. I know, I’m getting carried away. This essay is supposed to enlighten, if not entertain, those whose sensibilities are highlighted in their personal culture. I could profess to be some icon of progressive acculturation. What nerve… Or I could be the most misunderstood iconoclast of what is Asian or American. Or I could come up with some clichéd line about embracing everything and nothing. The truth is I do embrace everything. (Individualism, Socialism, pets, women,…etc.) How could one not be immune to the forces of pluralism? It is so easy to hide under its “psycho-babble” when one cannot provide a reason for being. And through it all, I admire both sexes for their tenacity to believe in each other (because and in spite of their respective cultures). I feel sorry for men when they fall short of themselves. (Meaning when they behave like “dogs” and “pigs.”) As for women, I cannot even begin to arrive at a more conciliating answer for them. (Meaning we all have our “issues.”) I ponder the equation several more times, and then settle down to a more pragmatic conclusion. I’ve enjoyed being a Man. Because it is my lot, and I was given a lifetime to find and embrace a love affair of the mind. Oh how we thank the gods when we find ourselves a kindred soul! But what if we didn’t?
Erving Del Pilar
January 25, 1995
Published in New Observations, Issue #107, pp. 4-5, 1995